No one read IT! :D

Comic days have made it to the front page news of my life now. The one thought that constantly runs through my mind every single moment of my life : There's really a sweet pain wen you are all alone by yourself. Dont know what's got into me. But I really like it wen ppl stay away from me now. It's not a nice feeling, but it is comfortable. I don't have to make small talks to them or please them, thereby wasting my time doing something totally irrelevant to my mood or time. I think I am turning into a masochist. Things were not like this before. I used to be happy being with people, making friends, going out and enjoying company of my friends and the people around me. Now, I find it unpleasant when people come up to me to talk to me and try to be nice to me. I can't bear to hang around them for longer than 5 minutes.I find myself always looking for one excuse or the other to run away from people or keep them a distance.. Life gets you someday. And I think I caught that insane moment in me. Suddenly m craving loneliness and withdrawal. Now nothing except my family matters to me most. Irony of the thing is, I am barely close to them either. wow! Am I pitying myself or am I coming in terms with the loner inside me?

Gavin Degraw - Jealous Guy lyrics I was dreaming of the past, And my heart was beating fast. I began to loose control, I began to loose control. I didn't mean to hurt you, Im sorry that I made you cry. I didn't want to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy. I was feeling insecure, you might not love me anymore. I was shivering inside, I was shivering inside. I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry. I didn't want to hurt you, no I didnt, I'm just a jealous guy. .............................. this is the song i was listening to today.. when i was sitting alone in my room in the thoughts of the hopeless days that surrounds me too much these days...the words are soothing.. and the music is smooth... it may have been the lyrics of a male singer expressing his thoughts.. but it relates to me .. the experience of feeling something like that about a guy...(though I would like to replace the "jealous guy" to 'lonely girl')... I dont know.. This song reminds me of the time i had before I had started to slip into my lonely times... and days... Its all around me. I dont know why.. but now.. getting close to ppl scares me.I get uncomfortable, uneasy... I think I know what the problem is,I am scared that I'll lose myself...if that person whom I am close to, abandons me. In any relationship, I am the more giving, generous, understanding and more passionate person... but it breaks my heart that I don't get the same effort in return... cold ppl turn me off like anything. But i cant avoid them.. they are everywhere like a plague. I dont blame any1...I think i am meant to go though this phase.But I dont know how i am make it through this. I cry a lot these days... it jus because there's jus too much pain to store and i to give it away from my body..and i think i am losing my mind.I am losing hope in ppl.if I stay in this black-hole for too long... i think i won't leave this place as the same person that had come here.

the tiny hope

today is a better day then yesterday.. yesterday it was very hard for me to take the bitter and harsh way of life... 2day,even though the reason of the pain is still present and haunts me .. I've become more used to it... it's like feeling,I have to face it no matter what.. I used to be a hell lot scared, but its getting OK now.. I am feeling better and more optimistic to face the pain I've been fighting for so long... it's much calmer and peaceful when you accept things in life that you can't change.. AS for me, I know.. I have something that's been causing me a lot of pain.. but I can't do anything to make it go away... so, I feel much calmer and relaxed knowing that I've learnt to accept it.. and that my life is not going to be as comfortable as I had much wanted it to be......

its been a while now... i don't feel anything is real anymore...All the people you thught were good frens of yours are starting to act like strangers... people whom you were close to, don't wanna know you anymore..I am seriously starting to doubt whether this is real or jus a bad dream... I wish I could just wake up and all of these wud come to an end..... I can't really put up to all of these hypocrites anymore...